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It's funny how I still remember our song....

  • Sep. 17th, 2008 at 3:21 AM


I'm just sitting here, pretty much as giddy as can be, at my apartment. I got a message today on another website I'm a member of....and lo-and-behold it was from Luke. I haven't heard from him in forever! I miss him with pretty much every fiber of my being, and I honestly don't care if that sounds gay as fuck. He was my everything, everytime I heard his voice....I really was that girl sitting by the phone waiting for his call every night. He was there for me through everything, and I'm sure in someway, he still is. Sometimes if I'm crawling through a pit of darkness without a flashlight, I think about what he would tell me and how he'd react to it...and then he becomes my flashlight....I know that sounds pretty dumb, but all I can say is "If you only knew him." I still remember one phone conversation where my ex was in the other room, and Luke told me that he still loved me, would never stop loving me.....I told him the same....I realized today, and maybe it hasn't been far from my mind (EVER!) that I still love him. I love hearing his voice, how his emotions just shine through when you hear it, even if you're 1000 miles and 5 state lines apart. I love how adorable he is and how his eyes are like fire and they really are the window to his soul...oh man if you could only see this boy's eyes. They are absolutely gorgeous.....Of course there have been other guys who I've been attracted to, but none of them has my heart like he does...No one.

Sometimes when you're around I can't remember what day it is and sometimes when I see you smile my knees start to quiver and they almost give and I don't think you know if you did it would never show and I stumble on my words when I'm around you you don't know all the things that you put me through sometimes I feel I could look at you for hours til I fall asleep and sometimes when I feel strong you have the power to make me weak and my biggest fear is that you're a dream someday I'll wake up and I stumble on my words when I'm around you you don't know all the things that you put me through sometimes you are all I see sometimes you are all I need I stumble on my words when I'm around you....

I think I really just wanted to say that I still love this boy and probably nothing's going to change that.......Goodnight. 

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She said time will reveal the ending to this tragedy...

  • Apr. 5th, 2008 at 8:23 PM

   So I started talking to one of my ex's a while ago. It was going pretty great. He even wants to come see me this summer. He asked me if I was still giong to head over to Germany after college; I told him that I wasn't sure; then I mentioned that I might be going to Jersey next summer though.....this spurred a whole conversation about getting away and why I wanted to run right now. Then he told me never to come to Iraq......That led to me telling him how my best friend is in Iraq right now. Then all of that led me to spewing word vomit everywhere. I couldn't stop what was coming out of my mouth. I used to have Luke to talk to, but I haven't talked to him in over a month....So I guess I just needed to let it out upon someone..........We talked about how they are both in Fallujah, and how it's horrible over there for them......So here's the conversation, Me and My Ex:

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:48:38 PM): I'm so confused about mine and his relationship right now though. It's making me crazy.

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:48:49 PM): Confused? Could be something? Or hes pissin you off?

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:49:38 PM): No he's not pissing me off, we've never really fought about anything. We've always been able to talk about absolutely everything too. It's just that though, we talk about everything together and just spill our minds out onto the table, and sometimes he just tells me things, and I don't know how to take it.

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:51:28 PM): Like off the wall suff? He's getting into dangerous stuff...

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:52:26 PM): For example: When we were still in hs together we always used to walk our dogs together, and this was the time that we'd always have really long and deep conversations. we'd talk about everything including soul mates and love and whatever else, like one time we talked about what it would be like to travel through time....most of the time it was so random

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:53:13 PM): Is he going crazy?

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:53:42 PM): When we talked about soul mates and love, we never came right out and said that we were each other's soulmates or that we loved each other....we never spoke that about each other......then the other day, he randomly asks me if I remember the times we used to talk about all of that, and of course I said yes, and he proceeds to tell me that I'm his soulmate and always have been. Then a couple of days later he comes right out and tells me loves me. But before all of this he breaks out the news to me that he's gay.

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:55:37 PM): Well thats a curve ball.

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:56:01 PM): That was the biggest shocker because he never had any gay tendencies, and him telling me that we're soulmates, and that he loves me.....AHHHH. I don't even know what the fuck to think

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:56:27 PM): If he actually is gay what would you think?

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:57:02 PM): He's going on leave may 16th. and that's right after I come home for summer break....and we're spending like everyday together. I think I just might break down and freak out on his ass. I know he's actually gay because he told me and he'd never lie about something as big as that.

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:57:56 PM): How do you go from, you to gay?

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:58:09 PM): What do you mean by that?

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:58:42 PM): I do you go from takign about soulmates, to you being his soulmate, to him loving you to being gay? Thats like a rocket going up and then exploding

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:59:03 PM): I DON'T KNOW!!! That's why it's making me crazy.

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:59:16 PM): I'm confused

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:59:42 PM): Think about how the fuck I'm confused about it.

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:59:42 PM): I got one word for situations like this

*Mich (3/31/2008 6:59:52 PM): Clusterfuck?

**Billy (3/31/2008 6:59:58 PM): lmao, No. Someone tells you something bad or off. Your getting fired, Oy.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:00:53 PM): I think I like clusterfuck better

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:01:01 PM): Yeah me too.  Well Ashley, we will get through this, I promise.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:02:14 PM): I really don't know about that.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:02:39 PM): Are you in love with the guy?

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:04:04 PM): He's been my best friend since the fifth grade, we have always been able to talk about EVERYTHING, we both trust each other with our lives....he means the world to me.....of course I love him

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:04:24 PM): I didn't say that, I said in love. 2 different things. You love your mom, you're in love with Mr. Perfect.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:06:30 PM): I know it is. I don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I mean when we're together we can spend every waking moment together, not doing anything, and I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Everytime I see him walk into a room, he heads straight for me because I'm always waiting there with a hug....I light up when I'm around him. Does that qualify as being "in love"???

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:06:53 PM): That's all up to you....

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:07:51 PM): I know that I've judged ever single guy that I ever talked to against him. No one has been as amazing as he's always been. A couple have come close, but no one is him.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:08:27 PM): Well that goes without saying....

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:09:37 PM): Apparently I solved life's fucking problem, with the fact that no one is him.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:10:03 PM): You dont want anyone to be him.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:11:04 PM): No, I don't. I want to be with someone as close to him as I possibly can be, I guess.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:11:06 PM): That's because he's your model for guys....I'm dealing with this same problem, only I actually dated that person in my life.....as friends. It's different, as a couple is a completely different thing. I dont know why it is, but it is. You try too hard, or you don't try hard enough. Then you end up hurt one or each other....this my experince so take it however you want. Certain people would make ideal couples. You still there?

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:14:59 PM): Yes.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:15:05 PM): Oh good. I thought I lost you....The problem is ideally.....hold on I lost it.....I had it. Ok... with my situation, it's better to be friends because all we do is hurt each other unintentionally. As friends we still act he same, but it's different somehow. Is this making sense?

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:16:51 PM): Yes

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:17:05 PM): I don't know how, but it's different....it just feels different. If you spent so much time together... you might have become siblings in a respective view?

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:18:32 PM): It was so much more than that though.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:19:04 PM): If he is gay, are you going to accept it or try to change him?

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:20:55 PM): I've already accepted that. I would never try to change him. He's always been perfect to me, no matter how he turns out.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:21:06 PM): Good answer. So now you can move on.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:22:13 PM): No I can't just move on. I'm stuck here

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:22:26 PM): It's been awhile since we've talked this long....

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:22:35 PM): I know...

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:22:55 PM): I can help you move on, I'm gentle, and patient.....

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:23:10 PM): But you're not him.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:23:15 PM): I know.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:23:21 PM): Only he can really help me....

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:23:21 PM): I'm not going to try to be him. And yea I guess I know that only he can help you get over him.

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:24:24 PM): So when he comes home this summer, I know things are going to get better. At least I really, really hope they will.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:24:49 PM): Easier? Closure?

*Mich (3/31/2008 7:25:32 PM): I don't know really. maybe both....Well i'm going to go out and chain-smoke for a while, maybe that'll clear my head.

**Billy (3/31/2008 7:31:06 PM): Ok....I'll probbaly be gone when you get back. I'm sorry that I couldn't help. I'll call you later to see how you're feeling....


So after all of that mess....My mind's still at a standstill. I still don't know what the fuck to do or think. It's fucking ridiculous. I hate this sooooooooo much right now.
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I want to hallucinate babies.

  • Mar. 30th, 2008 at 3:42 AM

So,  DeafMegan rocked my face off tonight!!! They should have won the Battle of the Bands. They're such a great band, and I'm so freaking glad that Mo intorduced me to them. They were also a lot of fun to hang out with tonight. They all welcomed everyone with open arms and acted like you'd been friends with them for forever! I pretty much just wanted to say: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DEAFMEGAN!!!!!!!
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There's so much sun where I'm from. I had to give it away. I had to give you away.

  • Mar. 12th, 2007 at 3:28 PM

So spring break was nice. I got to have one last time to hang out with one of the best friends I've ever known. We went to Texas and stayed in a resort. It was a very nice place. I got to meet this amazing southern lady who was born in Gulf Shores. I loved talking to her because she could really relate to loving that place as much as I do. Honestly I think one day I'll end up there, like spending my last days there or something.

Anways, let's see, we went everywhere in Galveston..I think I know that city well enough like I know my hometown. There was this really cool boat tour we went on, it was of Galveston Harbor. Then we went to two of the pyramids, the Rainforest and Aquarium ones. We also fished on the pier on our last full day there. That was really fun, and the guy who ran the pier was hot. So that was a plus. Hmmm, there was a lot of really amazing places we ate at too, like Willy G's--the famous/award winning seafood place none of us knew about; Salsa's--great Mexican place; The Rainforest Cafe--we went on their water ride and enjoyed eating there; Fudruckers--best wings I've ever had!; and Migel's (or something like that)--had really good delivery pizza and the guy on the phone had a hot voice......there was more stuff I would have liked to do, such as go to the beach more and actually tour the old mansions from the early 1900's. It was really a great trip though; I was happy with it!

I am happy that I got to hang out with my friend, even though it probably is the last time I will ever see her. I just have that feeling like I'm never going to see her again. I'm happy that she got this job that she's wanted for a long time, but I am going to be lost without her. I mean she became the one that I told everything too. I ended up trusting her more than I trusted my best friend from back home...I just don't know what to do now....She kind of kept me out of that pit of darkness. Even when I would creep over the edge and peer into it, she always had my back to make sure I wouldn't tumble over the edge, even when she didn't know it. So now I have no idea what will happen since she's not here........
  • Location:My apartment
  • Mood: contemplative contemplative
  • Music:Bruised--Jack's Mannequin
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My first entry

  • Mar. 3rd, 2007 at 5:50 AM

So this is my very first livejournal entry. I love to write, so this should be a good thing to have. I didn't even think of getting one of these until a friend made me, lol. But it's cool, cause I needed a journal anyways. lol. I really don't know what to write right now because I'm kind of sleepy....well I made cookies earlier, go me! I'm leaving for Texas later today too. I'm not going to lie, I have had second thoughts about going, but I'm sure I will have fun when I go. I just miss my family and wonder if I should have gone home instead.....I don't know. But anyways, yay for this being my first entry! I'm going to take a nap, night kiddos.

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